It's been a while...

Well,
It's been a while since I've posted. This is honestly a blog for myself. I like to see what I was doing or feeling or thinking in the past.

Well, it is Monday night (technically Tuesday). I just finished watching the Dallas Cowboys beat the Redskins. It was quite exciting. I should be studying for an upcoming test and quiz, but I'm too distracted and have much on my mind.  I hope this can help me relieve some of that stuff in my head. I'm stressed. Money, lack of it. BILLS, school. I need a job!

I feel a bit sad. In a few days would have been my son's birthday. He was due October 2nd. I tend to get sad around this time and around the time I lost him. I wonder if this feeling ever goes away? I wish he was here. I wish he was running around. He would be a rambunctious 3 year old. He'd be my nephew, Liam's playmate. He'd be my pride and joy. I wonder what he would look like. I wonder what he would be learning...I just wonder how it would be with him here.  It isn't fair. Why did I have to go through this...twice. What is that reason that God took him from me? I want to know. I still get bitter when I hear of others being blessed with pregnancies...babies. I just wish I felt okay. No one really understands unless they have experienced it. I wish I could have done things differently to cherish his memory. I'm just glad I got to see his little sweet face. I almost refused to see him. But how could a mother not want to see her child's face? I wonder how he's doing. What is he doing up there? I know he is with God. I just wished I could have held on to him a little longer.

God help me. It still hurts. It still makes me cry. It still weighs heavy on my broken heart. Please, give me an answer. Give some comfort and peace. I know you will be the only one who could do that for me. I hope your plans for me include being a mom. It just hurts.


sincerely,
heart broken